Which Box Do I Fit In 2nd February 2014

Over the last few weeks in conversations with friends and posts on websites with cyber friends, I have realized that many people seem to think that I fit in a series of boxes and/or stereotypes, often I do not challenge these presumptions, because first of all, why would I, secondly trying to explain to people that I am a much more complex person, can in itself be quite boring and confusing, as well as repetitious and lastly does it really matter.

Maybe rather than boxes I should use words such as stereotype, label, partly because these are broader I would hope, possibly it is a series of boxes or labels, but some totally contradict each other, so how does that fit in. What is interesting, is that when I tell people I am a Gemini and they have any slight knowledge of astrology and/or the signs of the zodiac, I then acquire a totally different label which is,” Oh that explains it, you’re the ones with the split personality, Jekyll & Hyde” personally, I do feel there is something in this, but it’s only part of the story.

Only today in discussion with friends, we were talking about my interest in musicals and where it came from, well I don’t really know, I do remember as a child listening to the Light programme on a Sunday, I think it was Benny Green’s programme, that talked about the latest musicals, also the history of the subject, it even opened with the Carousel waltz as its theme. Maybe I was brainwashed, possibly it was my dad’s fault because we used to watch Fred and Ginger, Frank Sinatra, Gene Kelly, Gordon McRae and Jennifer Jones in musical films, I will always remember my first big-screen musical Oklahoma at the Apollo in Wide Screen Todd A Ho,. But there again, I enjoy Nat King Cole, The Drifters, Glenn Miller, locally I enjoy listening to Affetside Choir, who sing a mixture of standards and more modern music. So now the box has expanded, what does it say about me now and my Musical taste.

In the last week or so in one of the Internet chat rooms that I inhabit, it was interesting to read people’s comments when I offered to meet up with a lady from the group and escort her to one of the other groups that I attend, as it was her first meeting with the people and she wasn’t quite sure, even the whereabouts of the building. People used words such as “gentleman” “pleasant” “kind” “caring” which did no harm for my ego, on that occasion I would most probably have ticked those boxes, but I have to be honest and say that there are many other times that I can be “thoughtless” “inconsiderate” would you believe “rude” well, yes, all of these are true, plus many other failings. Those that know me must be aware I am a chatterbox, but there again, what about all the times people say “do you mind if I ask you” or “what do you think” when seeking advice. Some more confusing boxes you see to describe me.

What about a totally different area, many people know, that I have been involved in social work in the past, in fact I am still, although retired trying to use my skills to assist others. It’s the looks of amazement when I mention in passing about jobs that I’ve had in the past. Some of you reading this will be aware that my career has had some strange twists and turns. Just to tell you some of the jobs I’ve had, I started out as an apprentice electrician, but gave that up after a couple years, I then went working as a tenpin bowling engineer towards the end. moving on to management, for about five years,I had a brief period doing maintenance in bingo clubs. I had the largest career change, when I worked in nightclubs as stage manager/ DJ for about two years,, I met many, at the time famous people, lots have died, or been forgotten since, e.g. Gene Pitney, Fame and Price, Stan Kentons band, The Comedians well known on TV at the time,. Next there was a period with what is now Scope, teaching young adults basic engineering and social skills to help them cope in the community. Oddly, this also lasted about five years. After a brief period in engineering, moving on to becoming first a signalman with British rail, then the clerk that sold you your rail ticket. So yes, quite a varied career, did I make the moves because of a change of interest, not really. Just seemed the right thing at the time, but can you see again, the lack of pattern and the inconsistencies with those boxes.

I was talking to a friend who I travel with last week, he said, as far as he could see from observation and conversation that I had little interest in art galleries and museums, and if I did visit them, spent little time in them. In a way he could be right, locally I think I have only been to the art gallery and museum twice, in the last 20 years,, neither time to view the exhibits. When in the company of others who want to visit museums, often I spend only a short time looking at the exhibits, if they are of little interest to me. All goes to show that he must be right. Well, as with most things, this isn’t quite right, it’s those stereotypes and boxes coming out again, you see, I pick and choose when and where I wish to indulge myself in these sorts of places. For example, the Science Museums, locally and that in London, I could spend hours and hours and hours in looking at the exhibits. But recently I went to the British Museum in London, and because of the noise, crowds and limited interest, after two hours I had had enough. Last year, as some of you will know I went to Bergen in Norway and visited an art gallery there, enjoying a whole range of works of art, that I had never seen before, maybe it was to do with an acquired interest in one particular artist, or maybe it was just the start of something new. My interests and hobbies have changed over the years and I hope I am not closed off, but open to new experiences, some that will give me pleasure others that I will choose to take no further, so what does that say about me again. Maybe sometimes what we see is not really a reflection of what is actually happening, but also depending on what attracts my attention on a particular day will totally change my view or interest sometimes.

When younger, I always wanted to meet that perfect girl who could put up with me, I would marry her and we would have children, then living happily ever after. I think unfortunately this came over in relationships. I had as a young man, I was the sort of person that mothers wanted to marry their daughters off to, but the women found people like me boring, there was no excitement. Another few boxes there to put me in then. Well fate decided something else, and one day the girl I was going out with(someone finally took pity on me LOL) informed me she was pregnant, subsequently she had our son, but decided to go on her own path and finish with me. Maybe I should say to be fair, I was not in love with her, but felt I should do the right thing, could be that’s why she finished with me.

In later years, what was fascinating was when I told people about my son, who sadly I was not seeing at the time, people seemed to think, it impossible for me to have had that sort of relationship, I must admit, it came as a bit of a shock to me at the time. I still wanted to meet that perfect person and have that perfect relationship with children to follow. I eventually did marry, but sadly there were never any children, apart from my stepson and some contact with my own son when he grew up and married, with his wife and children. So, unfortunately, even the boxes I wanted to tick did not work out, but why did people think it was so odd and didn’t fit their understanding of me that I could have had my son outside of marriage, I never said I was that well behaved.

In the 1990s I acquired a new box for people to place me in, I became ill with ME/chronic fatigue syndrome, which had a massive impact on my life in every way, including my marriage, employment and quality of life in general. I still have this health issue, but now I have a whole range of other things to put up with. Well, the new box is, Disabled, its quite ironic really, given the work I had done with people who had a disability and the range of people I worked with as clients in hospital, helping them to come to terms with their treatment, illness and prognosis. I always felt at first it was a temporary thing, and would quickly go away,

20 years on I still have that initial illness, plus as I say other health issues to frustrate me and my quality of life. I remember one day being at home some years ago, when my stepson came in with his friend and him saying ”that’s my dad . He’s a bit disabled” well that’s a box isn’t it, I suppose, in actual fact it was correct, but it didn’t make me feel any better. I have tried to ignore when possible, these labels to do with disability, but sometimes, like being paid benefits and having my blue badge, because I fit the official label of being disabled, it helped me in the real world, by at least enabling me to be part of society due to the money and resources available because of my health issues, .when I feel able to. What makes it more confusing is that on a good day I look and sound okay, so people treat me as “normal” on a bad day, nobody sees me, because I stay at home and rest, this must be confusing to those who do not know me well enough, and sometimes even to those that do. I do not feel my disability defines me, but it can be a convenient box, at times, both for me, but also for people I meet along the way. But I hope people can see that I am still in there trying to cope and get on with my life, in my own way.


Well I hope you have enjoyed the read, also that maybe, it will help people to think about putting people in boxes and stereotyping them, something I try not to do, but have to admit on occasions I am as guilty as everyone else, but will try harder in the future.