My new family

Those of you who have known me long enough are aware that, my mother left our family when I was 2 and I never knowingly ever saw her again. I always wondered where and why she had gone but my brother and sisters never mentioned it or their previous life with her and my dad.

Its odd really but I never knew what she looked like other than there had been one family photo at home, some time in the early 70s it disappeared,  I think because I was so young when she went I never missed her presence,  although there were so many times in my life it would of been nice to of had a motherly, kind, caring mother who would be there for me. To help me read and write to sort out my health problems, to show affection and care for me in the way some mothers do. Thats not to say that my dad was bad or anything, in fact when I look back despite all he was left to cope with he did remarkably well as a single parent and I do understand why for a time I went into care.

I was the youngest in our family, there was a gap of 8 years between me and my sister, I was to learn there had been another brother and sister who died in between when I grew up, have always felt what a shame their birth was never acknowledged or discussed, so I had little in common in some ways with my brother and older sister, she often had the role of looking after me.

In the 80s my older sister asked if I felt as she did, that we should try to find out what happened to our mother, now I had decided something had happened to her and possibly she had died, because what other explanation was there for her never having been in touch. We contacted the Salvation Army who did this sort of work and gave the limited information we had. Many months later my sister received a letter saying they were unable to help us, so the presumption was that she was dead or they could not track her down, so we left the mystery alone and got on with our lives, sadly my brother had died in the 60s and my sisters in the 80s do I was the only one left of my family, other than my aunty and her family in Rhodesia who I did not know and we had lost contact with.

Over the years at times I did still wonder at times about what might of been and what the story was,  my wife suggested contacting one of the tv programmes that helped people track down relatives,  but I felt it was not something I wanted to do. I think I may of been curious but not enough to do anything about it, I did wonder whether she had in fact died, or remarried but had it in my head she was already in her 40s so unlikely to of had children, so let sleeping dogs lie.

Late in the 1990s I had health problems and as part of that found that I had medically things that maybe if my mother had been about possibly she could of spotted and maybe helped, I also pondered on where I might of been if she had been there to help support me as a child, rather than just have my dad who I know loved and cared for me in his own way but often had been out at work, so I had grown up at home on my own as a lonely child with little support, I do still wonder would I have done different things with my life, would I have been a better or worse person. I am aware that I did not have a chip on my shoulder as many people do when they have been deserted by a parent. I remember a friend saying many years ago, she could not understand how my mother could of left and not taken me as I was so young, when I thought about it made sense but there were no answers and my life had not been that poor.

So thats how it was until 2013 when my friend Brian was doing some research into his family and out of curiosity whilst we were away on holiday found some basic information about my mother whilst searching the internet.  It was not until 2014 that I thought about it again and decided to see if I could get some basic answers about what happened to her had she in fact died,  was she even now alive but very very old. So I asked for his help in investigating all of this. We used the archive and websites in the search and managed to find her birth and my parents marriage but then nothing else. We had presumed she stayed in Manchester and had not remarried in the search, but then went back looking again by broadening the search and the found she had in fact moved to Yorkshire and remarried in 1955.

Well now we were getting somewhere and I became more involved so signed up to a website to help. I sent for a range of certificates to prove this person was linked to my family. Eventually I found that if we had the right person she had died in 2004 so sadly I was never going to have the answers I sought about how and why she left and why she had never got in touch. I could not find a trace of her husband so was unsure about him, maybe if he was alive he may be able to help me, so I sent for her death certificate. When it arrived it confirmed it was in fact my mother so I felt maybe that was that but on re reading it noticed that it was someone listed as her daughter who had registered the death. Well I cannot describe my surprise and confusion at this, surely she was to old and that meant that this was a grown up person,  so off back to finding out about this person,  much easier due to the Internet and specialist websites.  I found out in fact she had been born before my mother remarried and only a couple of years after leaving us, even odder I now had a sister I never knew about even if only half related

Back to the internet and I joined a website Ancestry to do more research, eventually I tracked down her birth and marriage, also I acquired details of my mothers second wedding and where they lived.Brian suggested checking out the electoral role to see if there was anybody related to me still at the address also if my sister had moved house. We did that,  no member of the family still lived in her house but my half sister was still at her home.

What to do now, I am a great believer in fate so decided to make contact because maybe at long last I would get some answers about the past and who my mother was, what made her happy,  what music did she like, what did she look like, but there again did her new family know about my family if not what a surprise for her. In the end I decided to write a simple letter explaining what I had learnt and send some of the evidence as proof and see if I got a response, I was unsure what I would do if I did but on the other hand the same if I got no response
what to do then, so the letter was sent.

On the following Monday I got a phone call out of the blue and it was my sister, she got the letter the previous week and had investigated both me and the evidence, she had been totally unaware and struggled that her mother could of had a family and deserted them as it now appeared,  she did highlight something in my parents marriage certificate in that the date of birth was wrong in that mother had declared she wad older than really was to marry without needing parental consent. We talked at length and she dropped another bombshell informing me that she had a sister 8 years younger than her,  so my family was growing swiftly.

We talked a few times after that and eventually met up at somewhere mutual, I took family photos as she did and we discussed our respective families and present situations, it seemed she had divorced and never had children but the other half sister had married 3 times and had three children and grandchildren but the as sisters were not in touch. At the time I gave the photos I felt I was being helpful but only found out later that this made it even harder to cope with because it created even more questions for my sister about how and who our mother was as she struggled with the information I gave her.

She gave me contact details for her sister who I met with her husband, again there were all sorts of information to share and more detail of my mother plus photos she had come across of my 2 sisters that they had never known about. Its still odd to me that my mother had kept these photos for the rest of her life, but had none of me or my brother,  not sure what that tells us and now there is no one to tell us, she also , mentioned one of her daughters was on Facebook as was she so could be a nice way to chat at some point in the future.

I have met both sisters again and shared information about our lives, some things make no sense about my mother and her life and decisions, I realize that in reality it is curiosity about my mother, that still makes me wonder about her and who she was only now, sadly it was not quite the fairy story I had hoped for and do wonder what would of happened in relation to her if we had tracked her down in the 80s or any time until her death. Maybe not the happiest event for her or even me, I have spoken to my sisters about whether mother was aware of what had happened in our family or had in fact been aware, it seems there was a friend of hers who lived in Manchester,  now dead, maybe he was a link for her but we will never know.  The younger sister had attempted to investigate our family background but got no help from mother no wonder,  she also asked what she did in the war, again how could she tell the truth, did her husband know, again we will never know now.

I managed to make contact with 2 of the younger sisters children, they are nice people with children of their own, the best of all that has happened is that they have met at least one of my grandchildren and myself and are in touch through Facebook with my family, it was lovely to send and receive Christmas cards this year from them all and I look forward to further meetings with everyone sometime in the coming year.

Well did I do the right thing in tracking down my sister,  I feel so, although not the answers I wanted at least I know more of my mother good or bad, I now feel in an odd sort of way I have closure,  it makes me sad that she chose to deny mine and my families existence for the rest of her life, the reasons we will never know, would life of been better if she had been part of my life, I cannot go there,  I do think it was wrong to keep the 2 parts of the family apart who knows maybe it could of been a positive experience as I now feel having met and got to know them a little, but being a glass generally full I think I have to look to the future and hopefully maintaining contact with my new family and getting to know them better